Published inMuddyUm·Oct 2A Suicide Note to My Neighbor With The RoosterDear Asshole, — It’s been 456 days since I’ve slept well. 419 days since I put white noise on surround sound. 367 days since I started crushing up my sleeping pills. 284 days since the earplug incident. 281 days since I was released from the hospital. 236 days since the auditory hallucinations started…Satire4 min readSatire4 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Sep 11Online Dater Finds Solution to Being GhostedDecides their dates die in car wrecks trying to text them back — Many of us have experienced the rollercoaster of online dating — one minute you’re messaging who might be your soulmate and the next minute you’re cast aside — back into the paradox-of-choice, rebound-colosseum. Online dating is a formidable place, teeming with battle-hardened veterans of rejection who throw their mangled morale…Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Jun 10Meditation Retreats Are for WimpsA real capitalist takes pills — Are you struggling with mental illness? Or do you just live in a high-tech, capitalist society? Perhaps you need a three-month meditation retreat in the woods without your phone to recalibrate yourself and seek the answers you need. How would you keep your job? Pay your bills? Buy shit on…Humor5 min readHumor5 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Jun 3Demon Tenant Shows Off His Collection of Landlord SkullsThe dead can’t tell you to mow the lawn — I am about to conduct an interview with one of the most feared tenants in the country — not just some awful roommate living away from their parents for the first time. Inside this building is someone who strikes dread in the hearts of landlords. As I approached, I observed…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inGreener Pastures Magazine·May 245 Ways to Make Antidepressants More Anti-DepressingTaking drugs doesn’t have to stop being fun just because a doctor prescribes them — How fun is it to go to the doctor and have your problems condensed into pill-form? How entertained are you when they list the associated health risks with the same enthusiasm one reads an obituary? …Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inMuddyUm·May 18Likes Being Spanked in Demon Costume While Speaking in TonguesMan puts ‘kink-positive’ on dating profile — As a social scientist, I’ve been compiling data for an undisclosed dating app through anonymous user interviews. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inMuddyUm·May 17An Ethical Guide to Road RageHow to run grandparents off the road with dignity — Ever since humans could clasp their cheeks onto an animal’s back, there has been road rage. If a passerby spooked your horse, an appropriate retort was to propel a sharp stick at them. But times have changed. What were paths of mud and dirt are now battle-hardened asphalt. In lieu…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inMuddyUm·May 15Obituary For My Lumpiest PillowLike trying to sleep on a sack full of live turtles — My lumpiest pillow passed away on April 2nd, 2023. After a long and courageous battle with lump-formation syndrome, it reached critical mass and collapsed into lump singularity — spaghettifying my night guard and melatonin in the process. They say matter is never destroyed, only changed. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
